The news continues to saturate newspapers, radio, TV and the Internet. The young and super-famous couple, scaling towards ultimate success, now caught up in a web of violence. The headlines have quickly moved from unbelief, to shock, to contradiction. First the news of the brawl; next the clandestine photos of a brutally bruised face paraded for the world to see; then the police affidavit filled with instances of threats, punches, bites, headlocks; and now the rumors of apparent reconciliation. It is unfortunately, the display of a classic cycle of abuse. The couple argues, it escalates and becomes physical, the victim is injured almost to an inch of losing life, the victim either escapes or the perpetrator is caught, the perpetrator promises never to do it again, they reconcile, and then the victim is isolated. Opening the door for the cycle of abuse to repeat itself.
So much is being said about the incident but it has certainly opened up some interesting public debate about violence in relationships. Experts on morning shows and popular talk shows like Oprah grapple with the issue almost weekly. The social repercussions of this incident have been powerful. A famous and very young couple whose talent has entertained millions of fans across the globe, entangled in an issue we still have problems dealing with. As a society we struggle with defining violence. Therefore, we are not honest about violence and its consequences. Instead we seem to send the message that violence is sometimes acceptable. So we have young girls claiming that perhaps it was Rihanna’s fault that she “got into Chris’ face” and got him mad so he was right to hit her. Young boys assuring that they’ll have no problems in “handing out a Chris Brown” to any girl that threatens them, cheats on them, or hits them. And entertainment moguls, who feed themselves with our money, choosing to keep silent on the issue. One famous entertainer even providing Brown with a hiding place, others retracting from previous statements to the media so that they can show more support for the “lil’ brother”. Everyone is trying to justify the unjustifiable.
As a “civilized” society we claim to be a nation of laws and order, yet we find ways of justifying violence. Violence, in our sick mindsets, depends on who is inflicting it, who is the victim and why it is inflicted. Still, even our ailing rationalizations are unjustifiable. It is even more disturbing, when our daughters and sons are viewing this case as one that is in some way justifiable and acceptable because of the fame of those involved.
We need to take a serious look at ourselves as adults and what are we modeling before our daughters and sons in our own relationships. Yet, we need to seize this opportunity to begin the dialogue with our daughters and our sons about violence. Here are 1 0 truths we all need to reflect on about violence:
1. Violence in relationships has become pervasive.
No one is immune from violence because of their class, race, age, or nationality. Not even beauty, money and fame are antidotes against violence.
Girls and women need to understand that “cute factor”, “sex appeal” or “buying power” are not guarantees that someone is healthy enough to be in a serious relationship with.
2. Violence from women is also a problem.
While I will never advocate violence against a woman – no matter what. Women and girls in this generation have become increasingly violent. Girl brawls are some of the most popular video clips on the Internet. Many of these women were witnesses to violence in childhood and as a form of self-preservation become abusers. Whatever the reason for their lashing out it is also unacceptable. Our boys and men do not need to feel that the manly thing is to stay and take physical abuse from a woman neither do they need to think that they have the right to hit back. Men can also walk away.
3. Violence in relationships must be intolerable.
Saying “I’m sorry” is not enough to heal the emotional scars that abuse leaves behind. Abuse, whether physical, emotional, or financial, is painful and the healing process can take a while. The most dangerous outcome of violence is that it transforms the way we see ourselves … Victims begin to believe that they deserve the violence or that they are guilty of the attacks. Perpetrators believe that their acts are justified and that they are entitled to inflict pain when they experience anger or feel in any way offended. Violence is unhealthy and no one deserves to be caught within its dreadful grip.
4. Violence is the by-product of toxicity.
Healthy relationships do not become violent because people got angry or jealous, or did or said the wrong thing. The relationship was already toxic and violence just played out its sick tune. Relationships that manifest jealousy, anger, disconnectedness, dishonesty, disrespect, unrelated and unresolved anger are toxic and things are bound to escalate.
5. Violence is not love.
Women need to get that. For generations we have confused a man’s irrational jealousy and his hands inflicting pain as signs of love. Until the shift begins to occur in our psyche, then we will be emotionally and spiritually prepared to accept and embrace healthy love. Until then we will continue to justify the unjustifiable and continue to lay our bodies, souls and minds as sacrifices for aggression. No protests, marches or women movements will be able to fully save us until we get this.
6. Your love alone will not cure the violence in your relationship.
The way to remedy a toxic relationship is to seek professional help. Violence, is not normal or accidental. Violence is an indication that there is some deep-rooted pain or anger that is within. Therefore, sending flowers, crying, praying, saying you are sorry, visiting the pastor will not heal that pain or prevent it from happening again. Serious professional intervention is necessary, and both the victim and the perpetrator need to seek help separately.
7. Parents are primary models for relationships.
Abuse usually occurs in cycles within a family. In other words, girls and boys who experience abuse will either grow up to inflict it or to tolerate it. The best thing parents can do for their children is to model healthy choices in their own relationships. What we allow to be played out before children’s eyes and minds remains with them longer than what we say to them. If fathers want their daughters to be strong then they need to allow the women in their lives to be strong. If mothers want their sons to respect women then they need to make sure that the men in their lives respect them as women.
8. There is a need for Men and women to dialogue about relationships.
We are not getting it. We still are struggling to differentiate what is acceptable and unacceptable in a relationship. There is some serious need for dialogue between men and women. Not men-bashing women-hating blame-gaming debates, there are too many of those out there and they are pointless. We need to come together to create our own manifestos as to what we, as women and men, w ill not tolerate in our relationships.
9. You cannot love someone more than you love yourself or your safety.
It doesn’t matter how much you love him or her and how they claim to love you after the incident, you need to put your safety – physical, mental and emotional – as a priority. This is also part of having a healthy self-esteem. Healthy self-love is a critical stepping stone for us to be able to give, accept, and recognize healthy love with our partners.
10. Our example today sets precedence for future generations.
If for this fact alone more of us, including more in the entertainment industry, need to make statements repudiating violence in relationships. We need to look at the important social message this case is sending to the next generation. We should be setting up forums in our churches, community centers, schools and homes to talk about and against violence. Every female and male regardless of age, race and social background should learn of the healthy alternative to violence. It’s time to begin to break this toxic cycle of rationalization of violence and the only way it can be done is with the truth.
Copyright © 2009 by Norka Blackman-Richards
Norka Blackman-Richards, is an adjunct lecturer at Queens College for CUNY.
A writer, a minister’s wife, and an empowerment speaker on women, education, family and diversity issues, Norka is also the chief editor for www.4realwomen. com and the president and founder of 4 Real Women International, Inc. a non-profit organization that empowers women and their families.
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This is so true. This is on time.